1. If people could read my mind, I’d get punched inthe face a lot.
2. That awkward moment when you’re telling your friend something hilarious and they’re just like “you already told me..”
3. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!
4. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
5. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
6. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
7. Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
11. Marriages are made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornados and hail.
12. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
13. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
14. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
15. I consider "On Time" to be when I get there.
16. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
17. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
19. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
20. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
21. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
22. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
23. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
24. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
25. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
26. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
27. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
30. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
31. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
32. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
33. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
34. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
35. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
36. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
37. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
38. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
41. God must love stupid people. He made sooo many.
42. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
43. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
44. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
45. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
46. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
47. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
48. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
49. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
50. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
